The Silver Lining of Leprechaun Traps

My daughter's only homework this week is to design and build a leprechaun trap. My first thought was, Gah. Not this again. It is due Friday, and she'll be working on it Monday-Thursday. One of her big wishes for the project is that she can build it with me. There are impediments to her wish. She is with other people M-Th afternoons (dad or grandma), and in the evenings when we all get home, I'm usually working on dinner. I do pick her up on Fridays from school, but she will have already turned it in by then.

I let her know that I could help her on some of the evenings, but that other people would have to help her, too. But last night, in my efforts to honor her wish, I left the dishes sitting on the countertops after dinner so that she and I could sit down together to consider the project (it was very difficult for me to ignore those dishes). It started with me just giving her moral support while she colored some of the designs on the trap panels. But then, she announced that she wanted to make a bean bag for the leprechaun to sit in when he fell into the trap. My first thought was Really? We have to make a bean bag now?

But earlier in the evening, she had also expressed a desire to work on a sewing project together sometime soon. So, regarding the bean bag, I said, "We could sew it if you want to."

Now, sometimes, I say things like this, and they turn into such time-consuming, poorly-planned ordeals that we have to bail on the whole shebang. But last night, we easily cut out some circles, and she sewed them together. She was thrilled by the transformation that happened when we turned the sewed circles right side out, exposing her nice (and somewhat circular) seams. Then, we stuffed the little bean bag with quinoa, and she stitched it closed. The project was done, bedtime wasn't too late, and I still had the kitchen cleaned by 9:30. I couldn't believe that we managed two fulfill two of her wishes: doing a sewing project and working on the leprechaun trap. It all felt so purposeful. But the best part was how proud she was of her little project. Seeing her touch and handle the bean bag, marveling that she made it, gave me great joy.

If it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back, that's because I am. I so rarely manage to accomplish something like this without it either devolving into something stressful and/or being left unfinished. And there were no tears from either of us! But mostly I'm just grateful that the dreaded school project actually turned into something valuable for us*.

*Granted, the trap isn't finished yet, so things could get bad, but I'm going to try to maintain optimism, basking in the glow of our first efforts.

The Decider

This Saturday, it started to happen again. Any ideas I had about a schedule for the day began to get entirely hijacked. Around 11:00 a.m., I hadn't yet done much of anything except for try to figure out how we'd spend the day. Hubby had made a decision to do yard work, so that's what he did. I was navigating play date possibilities and competing schedules, none of which coincided with what I wanted to do for the day. As a result, I found myself frustrated and in tears (again! twice in one week!) on my bed.

And then it hit me: I can just decide.

So I got up, went back outside, sat on the bench and started putting on my shoes. "I'm going to the tide pools," I said. "I would love it someone wants to come with me. Oh, and anyone who stays home with Daddy won't be playing video games because it's a beautiful day. It's not a day for gaming."

Guess what? Both kids wanted to go. It took us a while to get out the door, but they were eager and never complained. We had a wonderful time, and I felt in control of myself as a person and of my parenting. Sometimes, in my effort to make my kids happy, I just offer too many choices. Perhaps those choices are not always good for them or for me. Sometimes, I just need to decide.

Below: a "gumboot chiten," sometimes known as the "wandering meatloaf"

Below: Beautiful purple sea urchins!

Below: a very large sea anemone all closed up (SO soft!)

















Below: Hello, hermit crab!

teeter-totter

With kids, a job, and a PhD to finish, each day is a delicate balance, and I often find myself feeling pretty much the same way I do when I'm attempting tree pose while wearing my baggy pajama bottoms. It just doesn't work.

Lately, I've felt really out of balance. There have been many illnesses at Chez GEW. Strep throat (once for one kid*, twice for the other kid**), a serious case of viral tonsillitis, and various colds. Good or bad, I have not been sick yet***, but when the kids are sick, everything else stops. And these illnesses are never expected, of course, so they disrupt plans.

Granted, I am a parent, so I know my plans will be disrupted by my kids' needs. But lately, I have felt as if this is happening every day and, especially, every weekend. As a result, I find myself spinning in circles, sometimes literally (as I stand in the living room trying to figure out what to do next), not feeling productive (or good enough) at anything.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Monday. There were tears. I can't remember the last time this kind of distress caused tears. It felt weird. But the tears and the breakdown did help me realize that I'm just feeling very out of control and ineffective.

This probably won't last long, but I probably do need to try to figure out ways to either change or accept the circumstances--maybe a little bit of both--over the next couple of weeks in order to feel better. I'm still working on what that balance will be and how I'll go about it. Or maybe I just need to realize that balance is not the right metaphor. Maybe I'm on a teeter-totter that will always be heavier on one side than the other. Maybe I just need to make sure that, occasionally, I switch sides and that I avoid crashing hard one way or the other.

Note: This distress feels really silly and inconsequential when I think about a family in my community who just lost a teenage son to leukemia on Valentine's Day after he struggled with the illness for two years. I really can only barely imagine the stress and subsequent grief of such an experience.

*although the kid who has only had it once is worried that the second shoe will drop on him later this week (and since one usually gets it when the other does, his concerns are legit)
**at this point, we are wondering if someone is a carrier
***probably just jinxed myself

Something is Better than Nothing, Except for When It's Better to have Nothing

I have been paying attention to the Rule of Three, but I have been only partly successful. So far, I have walked at least three times per week (that is, if I take two walks in the next two days), and until this week, I've done about two hours per week on the PhD. But I've only done yoga about once a week. As for home-related projects? It's been a bit of a blur.

This week I had interruptions to my regular walking and PhD schedule, so now I need to do some make-up work over the next couple days. Doing things around the house is such a constant battle effort that it's hard to separate the productive projects from everyday management. I've made a couple of project lists, and I haven't done very well with them. But something is better than nothing, right?

Well, sometimes. Except when nothing is better--like an empty junk drawer or shelf with nothing on it.  To that end, I have decided to try to find at least one thing per day that I can give away or throw away. On Wednesday, I took 15 minutes to pull old clothes out of three drawers, and I ended up with one bag of clothes for Goodwill. Yesterday, I found some toys and books that I could donate to my daughter's class "store." I am hoping that these daily efforts will seem less overwhelming than a giant overhaul while still helping me make progress toward decluttering our home so that we can all be good stewards of what we have rather than collecting a bunch of stuff we can't manage.

Below is the bag of stuff I got rid of. It's not much, but it only took 15 minutes. I'm keeping the dog.

Rule of Three

I have really neglected the PhD thesis for the past few months. Other than a conference paper that was loosely connected to the chapter I'm working on, I've done very little work. I'm not sure what happened. I got out of the habit of getting up early to read and write (partly because of several months of often being up at night with an anxious son), and I think I let work and family squeeze out time on the thesis in general. The extra family time has been nice, but I don't like the idea that grading and general laziness have put me behind.

I tried to think of a crafting a New Year's Resolution that might do the trick, but I am skeptical of my ability to keep long lists of resolutions. Then I saw that my friend Rachael Herron chooses one particular word for the year: last year was now; this year is rest. I tried and tried to think of one word that would capture what I want for this year. I want typical things--to eat better food, to get rid of clutter, to spend less money, to work more on my thesis. I considered the word "purpose," but it seemed a bit vague.

So, instead, I'm taking a slightly different tack, and I'm focusing on a "rule of three." This rule establishes the following minimum guidelines. I might reach beyond these rules, but if I meet them, then I can be certain that, at the very least, I'm not totally ignoring my priorities. (I might add more "threes" later, but I don't want to overwhelm myself in the beginning).

• Three walks per week
• Three yoga sessions (of at least 20 minutes) per week (I do these at home with video classes)
• Three hours on the thesis per week (this might seem pitifully small, but it's realistic and better than nothing)
• Three house projects (other than regular maintenance) per month.

I would like to have a family goal in the list, too, but I'm not sure how to quantify that part.

So far this week, I have put in two walks, two yoga sessions, one hour on the thesis. I'm also 75% finished with one house project (rearranging the study so that my daughter's new keyboard can fit in the room).

We'll see how it goes.

The Joy of Conference Papers

As I sit here writing a conference paper that I'll deliver in two weeks, I am reminded how much I like writing and giving conference papers. And I think I'm starting to understand some reasons why this is the case:

1. Writing such papers is way better than grading.
2. Since I will read the paper aloud, I don't have to perfect my footnotes and bibliography in impeccable MLA/Chicago/MHRA style.
3. The papers are short. 10 pages. It's like writing a poem. It's long enough to be a challenge, but short enough that that I can spend a lot of time tinkering with it and practicing it aloud so that it will sound just right. Also, it's not as unwieldy as a chapter or article. I don't feel like I'm wrangling a giant squid.
4. I can be playful. Although I want my argument to have substance, I feel like my voice can (and should?) be more conversational and informal that it would be in an article or, certainly, in my dissertation. Therefore, the writing feels a bit more creative and experimental.
5. I am isolated as I write my PhD thesis. My university is in the UK, and I am in California at a community college. I work in my own little bubble. As such, I really enjoy conferences (even though they intimidate me a bit) because I like to hear what other people are saying, and I like having the chance to throw my own words out into the world.
6. As I write, I regularly envision myself at the conference, in the hotel. I love staying in hotels.

The paper I'm currently writing is especially fun because I likely won't be presenting to a room full of eighteenth-century specialists. As much as I love my fellow c18 people, I feel great inferiority regarding my own knowledge of the c18. I am not yet an expert even though I feel like I already should be, so presenting to other c18 people scares me. But this conference is not an c18 conference, so I am a bit more relaxed.

Tonight, my family is camping, and I have stayed behind to finish a solid draft of the paper and do a bit of grading. I am having a great time writing (and ignoring the grading). My enjoyment is enhanced by my the three-course dinner that I will consume over a span of several hours:

First course: strawberry-rhubarb pie paired with English Breakfast tea
Second course: boiled peanuts paired with beer
Third course: dark chocolate paired with port

Good brain food, I'd say.

What about you? Do you like writing conference papers as much as I do?

Stepping Lightly but with Purpose

I will go ahead and begin with a truism: It's been a long time since the last post. Frankly, I became a little disenchanted with blogging and the whole bloggity blog world. But around the same time I stopped blogging and participating in blog-related writing groups, my productivity towards my PhD thesis/dissertation* slowed. I'm not sure the two are related (what with correlation not implying causation and all that), but I'm thinking that maybe I should take a page out of Amstr's book (or blog, as it were) and use the blog as an dissertation account, of sorts. She has been blogging, and she has finished the PhD! (Not that one caused the other, of course.) And I send such a huge congratulations to her! Way. to. Go.

Nevertheless, I think I will step lightly back into this blog as a place to keep track of my thesis goals, once or twice a week. It will feel a little lonely without Amstr being on the same path, but I know she will be cheering me on from the finish line, which she has already crossed.

Currently, I'm writing a conference paper that I will give a the beginning of next month. Typically, I would be at the polishing stage by now, but, alas, I have barely started, so the paper is my current priority. From that paper, I will try to build a draft of Chapter 3 of the dissertation.

Between now and Sunday:

1. Review a primary text that is central to the paper
2. Read two articles or chapters related to the paper
3. Craft a clear working thesis statement for the paper
4. Write at least 500 words of the paper

Onward.

*I am American, so I am used to referring to the PhD project as a dissertation. However, my PhD university is in the U.K., so I also will sometimes refer to it as my thesis. I'm not really consistent about this.