Thursday, December 2, 2010

Dear Student Who Takes the Cake

What's that? You're wondering if you can e-mail me a draft of your research paper on Saturday night to get my feedback before you turn it in on Monday?

Oh. Well. Remember how the first four pages were due earlier this week and I returned them, with feedback, to the class yesterday? And remember how the outline was due a week before that? And remember how I said I wouldn't take either of those late because I was going to have to turn them around really quickly? Yeah. Well, remember how you didn't turn in an outline or the first four pages? Yeah. See. I was having you submit those so you could get feedback in a timely manner and, I must admit, so I wouldn't be reading your essay on Sunday instead of putting up a Christmas tree with my family and when--let's be real here--it's too late for my feedback to make a frig of difference anyway.

What's that? You're still not sure what a thesis is? You've never really understood it? Hmmm. Let's go over it again, shall we? Not that it will make any difference, but, you know, it's what I do.

What's that? Should you include any other points in your paper that aren't currently listed in this handwritten outline that you just showed me (two weeks after a typed outline was due)? You mean points in addition to the ones I just spent at least ten minutes suggesting to you? Well, considering that people write books about these types of issues, yes, I'm sure there are probably more points that you could include, but I will not be listing them all for you.

Yes. Okay. You're welcome. Glad you could stop by. Oh, and by the way, you do realize that there is no mathematical way for you to pass this class, so this conversation was kind of worthless? Yes? You're aware of that? Okay. Just checking that we both live in the real world because, you know, sometimes it's hard to tell.


Anonymous said...

I'll give stu an F for you.


Now put up your tree!

courtney said...


Love this!!

Can you some to my class and give this speech?

C. Troubadour said...

There's at least one in every section. Why is this???

I hope your tree is BEAUTIFUL. If you missed out on the decoration, there are still ways to get in on the adornment. Like go get that glitter pen you'll be using to write the F on the final draft. 'Tis the season, you know. Then glitter up that paper within an inch of its sad life.

Or a better use of time: pour yourself some port and open the super fancy chocolates.


Fie upon this quiet life! said...

Oh my god. I love you. This is an LOL post if I've ever seen one. I actually read it aloud to my hubby to exhibit that I'm not the only one with crazy, moronic students.

Ink said...

Brava, GEW! OMG, how could you keep a straight face?

JC, will you grade my classes, too?

Anonymous said...

Yes, Ink, I will. I have a good set of stairs I can throw papers down. HO HO HO - Glitter Pen For EVERYONE!

Another blogger (GMP) this week wrote about how a stu brought a bottle of orange juice to her office as a gift (*cough* bribe) while he bullshitted her about test points. She didn't take the bait or bribe. OFFS.
word verif: lioneses.

Gaga said...

Beyond amazing! Who pays for this student's tuition?

Ink said...

Lionses? YAY! We are all now officially LIONSES---roaaaar!

And, btw, I adore my glitter pen. JC, how did you know I loved purple ink with rainbow sparkles? Thank you!

Ink said...

Wait, I already spelled it wrong. Guess I am so not a LIONSES. Or a LIONESES.

Will just stick with Glitter Pen Chick.

loveskidlit said...

Brava! And I had one student this past semester to whom I gave a midterm F, then later dropped him for excessive absences. He pleaded that without the course he'd lose financial aid, so he'd stay in it and work and maintain good attendance again if I'd just let him stay. So I did. THEN, I sent him two emails reminding him that with a grade in the 20-30th percentile, he would not be passing the course. I got no reply, but he kept attending, and working. So when I finally held him back after class to say: I know your main concern was to stay enrolled, even though you can't pass the class, he was astonished that he couldn't pass. I said it wasn't personal, just mathematical. He skipped the last week of classes in disgust.

Really? Really???

Good Enough Woman said...

Is anyone surprised that he didn't show up today to turn in his essay?

What's that? You want more help even after the due date? No. I'm done with that one. Me done teaching. Now me just grade.

Anonymous said...

Nope. Not surprised one bit.

I'm glad you met up with the Cookie Monster! Me like cookies when me mark down Fs.
*nom nom nom nom nom nom*

Fie upon this quiet life! said...

I'm also done teaching. I'm grading from here on out. Nobody better ask for anything in the next 24 hours. They have research papers due tomorrow, and I know I'm going to be getting panicked calls and/or emails today. Sorry about your luck, people. What have the last 15 weeks been about? Nothing I can say today is going to change anything they can do. Blerg.

Ink said...

Me done teaching. Me grade like fiend, too. We deserve cookie.

Good Enough Woman said...

Technically, me still have two days of teaching left. Me no want to teach. Me leaving early today. Me grade at home.

The Thirty-Something Bride said...

Me try to call GEW yesterday. ME coming to CA.

Good Enough Woman said...

TSB, You leave message? Me not hear.

Anonymous said...

Me LOL. Me thinks you are all bonkers and need to step away from the grading! Right NOW!
*points glitter pen at everyone*